Who I Am

2010 has already begun, and looking back at 2009, it's been one interesting ride. I see myself so different now, so seperate from the one who typed the first few posts bearing the remorse and agony I felt. I rejoice in Him who made me suffer, for through my pain He taught me many things, and always loved me no matter what.

I remember Rose and Cy, their sentiments and feelings. Oh how we used to feel hatred of everything around us, for there was nothing to be loved. Yet through hatred, He taught me love. Surely He has every right to condemn us, surely He may crush us as and when He feels like it, and who may say before Him: "what right do You have?", utter foolishness. In spite of all that, He chose to love, giving us His dear son to die for us, so that we may be saved from our own sins. He had every right to, yet He didn't. Only a small glimpse into the full extent of His love, which I will never fully understand.

Just listened to a sermon by Bob Kauflin on The Fight for Joy, downloaded from www.joshharris.com. His sharing on depression really reflected what I went through in 2009, somewhat a state of depression. Well, guess that's what you feel when you realise everything is meaningless, and it as he says in his sermon, this period of time really makes you question what's important to you. Didn't take me long to discover that what I truly wanted was a meaning, to know that my existence had some kind of significance, that I wasn't existing for the sake of existing. It was excruciatingly painful to look around me and find nothing that would satisfy this longing; nobody could offer me the comfort I sought, perhaps at best temporary refuge. Still, I'd like to thank those who did. With such an attitude, I don't think you'll find it surprising that Ecclesiastes became my favourite book of the bible; finally, somebody understood.

Eventually, it got into my thick skull, or past my delusional ideas, that my purpose had always been with my creator, and He had been waiting for me to go to Him for it. It was saddening that much time was lost, and of course my grades slipped... But nonetheless, when I consider what I gained from Him, I see that what I lost is nothing. He fulfilled my longing, with a purpose and meaning of love, and I have to admit, it feels good living for Him. Thank You, what else can I say?

Kauflin shared Psalm 42-43, which was supposedly 1 psalm in the past; why it was split, I don't know. But, we see a refrain 3 times in these 2 psalms:

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Saviour and my God.

Through the sermon I got to know Dr Martyn-Lloyd Jones and his book: Spiritual Depression. He says that most of our unhappiness in our lives is because the listen to ourselves instead of talking to ourselves. Sounds weird but it's quite true. Looking at the psalmist's condition, he's going through a tough time, and no doubt is in depression. But he stops to question himself, asking his soul why it is so downcast. Many a times we have our unconscious thoughts influencing us. I'm sure we have experience with that, it's just whether you realise it or not. You may not consciously think a thought, but it just appears. That would what he means by listening to yourself. And seriously, speaking from personal experience, listening to yourself is no different from following a crowd off a cliff, equally if not more indicative of intellectual impariment.

We should stop to talk to ourselves, finding out why we feel the way we do, and telling ourselves to put our hope in God (that is unless you have someone better than God to put your hope in). The psalmist states that [he] will yet praise Him, for He is always there to give you strength every step of the way. Kauflin mentioned the hardest prayer he ever prayed was to let himself stay in depression if it would teach Him more about God. Honestly, when were our lives ever about us? On this I agree with Arthur Schopenhauer, that more often than not, we are just swinging back and forth from desiring something and getting it, and back to desiring something else, never satisfied. If we direct our lives, it's just like a pendulum swinging back and forth, eventually coming to a stop at death. Pretty pointless, yet we decieve ourselves that that's how to enjoy life.

Another important realisation, I AM DONE LIVING FOR MYSELF. I'm just sick of it now; we may share the same face and name, but I'm never listening to you again, I want to hear His whisper amidst the storm, for He actually knows what He's doing. My life was meaningless because of me, and because of God, it bears a meaning that He and I are content with. How great is He?

Perhaps you may know of the stories that arise from me, and I think I finally what parts of me the different characters represent, or at least some of them, others were pretty much created. For easy reference, I'll arrange them by story; do note most of the titles are tentative.

Dreamer (currently working on this one): Somereld - question of dreams
Soner - the curse of life?
Enlil VII (aka Zephyr) - destiny & responsibility

The Black Sun: Wilfred/Sol - meaning of life & human nature

Call to Existence: Ceranol & Semora - existence & memories

Boy in the Rose Mask - Ambrose (aka Rose), Ennio, Soren, Almari, Shaula - faith & sight

Hope this has been enjoyable and meaningful. Praise the Lord forever.